Comedy J-Term Inspired By The Onion

Comedy J-Term Inspired By The Onion

To welcome everyone back from spring break, The U Post would like to share a few humorous pieces from our recent Comedy J-Term course.

The Onion Articles

In the comedy January Term, students wrote articles similar to the ones on The Onion. Here is a selection of sophomore Emma Troughton’s articles.

Man Brings Stolen Kid On Bring-Your-Kid-To-Work Day

MILWAUKEE – According to one of our sources, a child who went missing approximately 7 days ago has been found at a Frito Lay Factory in Milwaukee, Wisconsin at 9:02 this morning. The child, a seven-year-old female, was apparently taken to work with her kidnapper for today’s “bring-your-kid-to-work day.” In an interrogation led by police officials, the kidnapper, Michael Wilson said, “I’ve always wanted to be a father. Ever since I was a child, I have dreamed about the opportunity to one day take my daughter to work with me.” The girl is now with her family in their house in Pewaukee. As for the kidnapper, he is now in the local jail and will be further questioned and penalized.

New Sesame Street Character Introduced As Cookie Monster’s Gluten-Intolerant Brother

LOS ANGELES – This morning, PBS announced a new character that has been created for Sesame Street and will appear in the next episode that is released. This character will play the role of Cookie Monster’s gluten-intolerant brother and will be named Rice Cake Monster. This announcement has boosted Sesame Street ratings, most likely due to the fact that recent statistics suggest that 10% of Americans struggle with at least gluten sensitivity and not to mention, the new “fad” to cut gluten out of diets with the intent of weight loss. We spoke with Tony Greiss, a long-time writer for Sesame Street and he told us, “This character will for sure be one of the best. People already love him because he’s relatable and he’s funny.” Also, apparently as a result of Rice Cake Monster’s conception, Quaker consumption has increased 10%.

Here is a selection of Katharine Ruegger’s Onion-like articles.

Missing: France’s French Bread 

WASHINGTON D.C, — It has been reported that as of early this morning, all of the world’s French bread has ironically gone missing. France is in a state of terror, as is the United States. “We can’t not have French bread!” reported a woman in Wal-Mart who wishes to remain anonymous. “It’s what helps us to feel like we’re more than just Americans! It’s a staple.” Managers at local supermarkets say that the missing bread was not accounted for and will be found. If you have any information regarding the captor of all the world’s French bread, please contact the press directly.

Orphaned Redheads: The Next Big Thing

After billionaire Oliver Warbucks confirmed his adoption of eleven-year-old Annie Bennett, redheaded orphans have been flying off the shelves in every orphanage on the east coast. “They’re just so spunky and optimistic!” reported Ms. Agatha Hannigan at the time of the scene, who has adopted three for herself and has two on the way. Many orphanages are ordering more from all over the world. Six orphanages in the Bronx have been charged with fraud as newly adoptive parents have found red dye wearing off on their faux-ginger daughters’ pillows. When asked for an interview, Mr. Warbucks just smiled and said, “We’ve got Annie. She’s just a big new deal.”

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