Ask Ace and Luther

Ask Ace and Luther

I really like this girl and I don’t know what to do. Help!

– Forgotten in Fairbanks

Ace:  Forgotten, you have come to the right place for smooth game-spitting advice. I need to keep a can of mace with me just to keep the ladies away- just like pre-Nancy Chuck Webster. You have three things to focus on when you’re ready to run tight game: appearance, conversation, and first date. First, you need to look sexy for your love interest so that she notices you. Unfortunately for me, beauty may be only skin-deep, but ugly goes to the bone. I may be smooth but I’m not naturally hot like Taylor Newell. As a result, I insist on going tanning, trimming my nose hairs, and getting minor plastic surgery for my ears (which are too big in the summer and too small in the winter) before I talk to a woman. You also should consider your smell. I usually give myself 15 sprays of cologne- one on each foot, one on each knee, one on my butt, one on my stomach, two on my chest, two on my back, two on my neck, one on each sexy ear, and one on my tongue for when she inevitably tries to stick her tongue down my throat. A subtle masculine smell like that is irresistible to a broad.

When it comes to conversation, I walk up to the lady and tell her about myself. Nothing is more interesting to any intelligent woman than learning about me. I focus my conversation on (a) all of my ex-girlfriends, (b) all of the girls I know who are prettier than she is, and (c) my opinion on her least attractive body parts. If she has a problem with that information, then I know she’s got crazy jealous girl insecurity issues and I drop her for the girl down the hall.

After I’ve adequately charmed the lady, I ask her out on a date. And I mean only the best for a lady I’m taking out.  That’s why we go straight to White Castle. Yeah, I know that’s a little pricey, but I make it clear to the lady that she’s on a strict three slider limit. One time I was with a manipulative lady who tried to test me. She ordered four. The fourth slider ended up smeared across her (not quite as pretty anymore) face. I’m no sugar daddy, and I don’t play that kind of high-maintenance manipulative testing stuff, and I made that clear. Anyway, once you’ve spent four dollars on your lady, tell her the date’s over unless she’s going to start paying. If she says she has Daddy’s credit card with her, take that lady to Ruth’s Chris for a porterhouse steak and then ditch her for the hostess after the check comes.  – Ace

Luther: Ace, Ace, Ace…your bravado is commendable, but your advice is horrendous. While I agree that you should be concerned with appearance, conversation, and first date, you’re going about this all wrong. Fairbanks, if you’re to truly win this young lady’s affection, you’d do well to forget everything this brutish lothario is spewing. While I’m sure that many the quality women Ace dates could be easily felled by Axe body spray and any manner of gold chains, you need to remember one thing. You are pursuing a lady, not a waitress from Hooters. You’d do well to forget everything he says. Life is not a plot to a film by MTV Pictures. The women you encounter will rarely look or act like the protagonists of Spring Breakers.  The superficial advice above will only lead you astray and attract empty relationships. Should you follow Ace’s advice, you will end up alone and unhappy. By the time you’re forty you’ll have had a number of encounters with women, yet never have had a relationship. Your dry cleaning bills will be through the roof from the number of drinks you’re sure to get thrown in your face.  By the time you’re fifty, your appartment will smell like farts and Old Spice.  In short, your life will be full of missed opportunities with the fairer sex.

So, if not Ace’s advice, then what? Be nice. Strike up conversation. Don’t let her know that you’re crazy about her until you’re sure she won’t just think you’re crazy. First things first, be confident enough to talk to her. The whole Old Spice and farts scenario can just as easily play out if you let opportunities like this pass you by.  Despite how it might feel, there’s nothing to be afraid of. If you’re being honest with yourself, it isn’t likely that this young lady is the future Mrs. Forgotten in Fairbanks. So, quit being such a wuss and just talk to her already. – Luther

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