Ace and Luther

Ace and Luther

I always end up starting my homework way too late and I have to pull all-nighters. How can I manage my time better?

Dear Procrastinator,

First of all, as a true artist with a sophisticated view of the universe, I don’t believe in time. I consider it to be an artificial man-made construct that employers use in order to control their employees and parents use to control their children.

However, I understand that some of your other teachers may not be as cultured as I am, so I get that this is a legitimate problem. The first question to ask yourself is what is typically keeping you from doing your work. For example, Tom FitzGibbon often takes a while to return tests because he hosts tea parties at his home with his Thor and My Little Pony action figures. By contrast, Chuck Webster often comes late to meetings because he has been busy making up words and phrases that don’t make sense while telling people stories they don’t particularly care about. However, someone like Derek Thomas is able to come to school on time every day because he never takes the time to shower, shave, do laundry, or clean the wax out of his ears. In fact, Derek has not looked at a mirror in nearly a decade. This makes him very punctual.

You need to figure out what is making you late and be honest with yourself about its impact. Perhaps you spend too much time texting and talking on the phone. Perhaps you are on social media for too long. Perhaps you are reading too many articles about Chris Brown online. Perhaps you’re like Jake Thurman, and you’re always looking on the internet for more fake-hipster outfits. Regardless, you need to figure out what activity is causing your procrastination, estimate how many hours per day and week you spend doing that activity, and commit yourself to a realistic time limit that will enable you to get your work done. For example, you cannot realistically try to ban twitter for yourself, but you can reasonably force yourself to work for at least 90 minutes between twitter checks.

So suck it up and show some self-discipline. Your next mentoring conference with your parents will be a hell of a lot less awkward.


Editor’s Note: Unfortunately, Luther failed to submit his response in time for publication.

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