Ace and Luther

Ace and Luther

Dear Ace and Luther,
I’m single for Valentine’s Day this year and totally bummed. Any advice for ways to spend the holiday without getting too blue? 
From, Lonely Heart

Lonely Heart,

I understand your fears and insecurities, but here’s the key point:  Valentine’s Day is an extremely stupid holiday.  It makes celebrating the “discovery of America” on Columbus Day seem brilliant by comparison.  Valentine’s Day has the fundamental purpose of improving the bottom line of businesses such as your local florist, card shop, chocolate company, and jeweler.  According to multiple news outlets, the average American will spend $142 on Valentine’s Day this year.  While businesses may love it, real people tend to despise it.

If you’re single, Valentine’s Day is designed to make you feel bad about yourself.  Single women may be more forthcoming about taking their relationship status particularly hard, but no one feels amazing about being single on Valentine’s Day.  If you’re in a relationship, you still often dislike Valentine’s Day because of the pressure.  There can be expectations to buy a fancy dinner, flowers, and other gifts.  There can be expectations to write a card that says exactly the right thing.  If you don’t fulfill these expectations, then there may be relationship problems, and that is a challenging reality.

The conventional wisdom is that only women in relationships truly enjoy Valentine’s Day, but that is often not the case.  There is a good chance that the woman’s relationship partner will not fulfill expectations and will leave the woman feeling disappointed about the day and about the relationship.  Perhaps that’s because of unreasonable expectations or perhaps the incompetence of the relationship partner.  Either way, however, Valentine’s Day can have a negative impact on relationships.

Therefore, regardless of gender or relationship status, there is probably a significant part of everyone that hates Valentine’s Day.  You are not alone.  And remember, it’s much, much better to have the freedom of being single than to be in a bad relationship.  Just ask Jake Thurman’s wife.

So if you’re single on Valentine’s Day, watch some relationship stalker movies on Lifetime and consider yourself fortunate.


Dear Lonely Heart,

As usual, Ace totally misses the point. Valentine’s Day is practically a necessity for those in relationships, especially those philistines who mindlessly drift for months at a time without letting their significant other know they’re appreciated. In a world with no Valentine’s Day those people would actually have to pay attention to one another at intervals that aren’t already printed on their calendars! It would be madness! Ace probably doesn’t quite understand this because no person has been able to stand to be around him long enough to feel neglected. But let’s say that by some miracle he was able to find a woman with an immunity to the stench of liberally-applied Axe Body Spray that wafts from his person. He would soon realize the importance of Valentine’s Day. For example, Ace is cheap. The minor cost of Valentine’s Day gifting is nothing compared to the costs involved in making up for going over a year without acknowledging the significance of a relationship with another person. For sheer economics alone, Valentine’s Day is a must for the less romantic among us (i.e. the aforementioned Jake Thurman).


That’s enough about Ace…let’s get to your question. I say that being alone on Valentine’s Day is nothing to be ashamed of. Weren’t the best Valentine’s Days the ones in elementary school, before you even considered dating? Think about it! Everybody got candy, you received sweet SpongeBob cards from your friends, and all of your classmates pronounced it “Valentime’s” Day without any shame. Why not resurrect the elementary school spirit? Get a group of friends, single or otherwise, and create little Valentime’s Day boxes in your lockers. Then, you can buy (or better yet, make) goofy cards to give one another. In short, instead of worrying about what relationships you haven’t got on Valentine’s Day, make it a point to celebrate the ones you do have.




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