Dear Hank Vol. 1

Dear Hank Vol. 1

“I have no friends because everyone is mean. What do I do?” 

Dear Friends, 

I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been having trouble making friends. However, there are many ways to make friends here at University! If you believe the people you are with regularly are mean, maybe you should try doing something new so you can meet new people. One of the best ways to meet new, nice people is to join a club or a team. We have dozens of clubs here, so I’m sure that you can find one that you like. Students from every grade level interested in all sorts of things join the clubs here. If you meet students through a club, you get the added bonus of already sharing something in common with them! 

Best of luck, 



“How much should I study for my SAT II Subject Tests coming up if I have already taken the corresponding AP class?” 

Dear Subject Tests,

Lucky for you, as a stellar pug student, I have taken many SAT Subject Tests in my life! One thing to remember that SAT Subject Tests can be really different from their corresponding AP class. For example, the physics subject test focuses a lot on the history of physics and optics, things that are not usually covered in AP Physics. I would recommend purchasing a Princeton Review book for the SAT Subject Test and give yourself a couple of weeks to prepare with practice questions and tests. 

Good luck and may my pug wisdom bless you in your journey to success,



“Why doesn’t the internet work?”

Dear Internet, 

I have made some inquiries into this and have discovered that having about 400 people spread over two networks can sometimes cause issues, especially when all 400 of them are using the network at once. Regular maintenance and improvement of the Internet systems are happening, don’t worry! Upperclassmen may even remember a time where the Internet was even slower than it is now. There were days where it took more than twenty minutes for me to update my pug Instagram…those were the dark ages.

So rest assured, the internet is working just fine…or, in other words, it’s trying its best right now. And that’s all we can really hope for, right?

May the Internet odds be ever in your favor,



“Is it expected to have homework over breaks (eg. fall, spring)?” 

Dear Homework Over Breaks, 

Unfortunately, depending on what classes you take, you should expect to spend at least a little part of your break doing homework. This is more typical of the AP classes, just because there is so much more material to cover compared to other classes. My advice is to give yourself a day or two during the break that you can focus on getting your homework or even studying for tests out of the way. If you can help it, don’t put all your homework off until the end of break! You don’t want to worry about homework during your whole break, do you? 




“So I’m in love with my best friend’s ex boyfriend’s ex girlfriend’s brother, but he’s in love with my other best friend, but my other best friend is in love with my ex boyfriend. Help.”

Dear Unrequited Love Strikes Again, 

It seems you’re in quite a pickle! Let’s try to sort this out: You like the brother of the ex-girlfriend of your best friend’s ex-boyfriend, but they like your other best friend, who in turn likes your ex-boyfriend. To be honest, that sounds like a love triangle out of a TV show. But, I am still going to give you advice. 

My first piece of advice is to ask yourself a question. Do you see yourself regretting not trying to ask the guy out months or years in the future? If no, then it’s probably best not to involve yourself in the mess of drama that’s unfolding. If yes, then read below. 

If you want to get with the guy you like, you need to be bold. You never know if he will say no until you actually ask him. Who knows, maybe he isn’t in love with your other best friend like you think?

Good luck in the reality show that’s your life, 



“Dear Hank, I am very shy and often have problems with my self confidence. I was just wondering how you got the self confidence to go around at school naked, and to pee and poop in public. It must take a whole lot of confidence to do these things, and I am in admiration. What are your tips to improve my self confidence so I can follow in your paw-steps and engage in these activities as well?

Thank you, Jake Thurman.”

Dear Problems with Self Confidance [sic],

Let’s first begin by stating that I am a dog, not a human. While it is okay for me to walk around naked and to “do my business” in public, it is inappropriate and illegal for you to do so. So, while I will help you with your self-confidence, I would prefer not to see a naked person walking around, and probably neither would anyone else at University. 

To address the self-confidence problem, my advice is to take baby steps. Start by doing something small that’s out of your comfort zone. If you don’t like to speak in front of others, for example, present in front a mirror first, then before your family, then before your friends, and you just keep going up until you feel comfortable. Taking steps like these can improve your self-confidence in a wide variety of things. Including walking around naked, but seriously, don’t do that. 

Good luck with improving your self-confidence, 



“Dear Hank,

There have been rumors spreading throughout the school that you will be replacing Chuck next year, and I must applaud your outstanding promotion. Given the vast amount of room there is for University to grow both as a school and as a community, I have confidence that you will do everything in your power to expand the facility’s horizons and make University great again! I have witnessed your outstanding teaching techniques, and can only hope to reach that level of perfection one day myself, so I have full unflinching confidence that you will transform University. I have but one question for you, almighty pug, when will you reveal this secret promotion to your faithful disciples at University? Don’t worry, your secret is safe with me for the time being. I cannot wait to be taught under you, and maybe one day become a member of your inner circle, so I can only wish you the best of luck. ALL HAIL HANK -Your most faithful follower.”

Dear Our Lord the Omniscient Hank,

This is incredibly disturbing on many levels. I love it.

Personally, I would love to see a televangelist church created in my honor, and you have just given me the potential name of said church. My most faithful follower, do me the honor of filling out all of the paperwork to make this a reality. It would not only be a fitting ego boost, but also a way to bolster the pockets of my pug wallet so that I may buy more fun sweaters and pug accessories.

If you continue to follow me, Hank, on this divine path, then you too will transform into a vision of perfection once thought to be unattainable. My promotion will be revealed when it is appropriate and when my loyal followers provide me the sufficient funds to motivate me to take on this behemoth of a job to transform UHS into something as perfect as I am.

All hail Hank,



*Disclaimer: The U Post does not endorse the creation or participation in cult and/or cult-like behavior. Official statements of employment and promotion may only come directly from the UHS administration. The U Post does not believe Hank is a viable threat against the sovereignty of UHS or any other entity.*

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